Oh It Hasn’t Always Been Easy…

“Oh it hasn’t always been easy, that’s for sure! It seems to get me through situations though. Wouldn’t that mean there’s something to this approach? “

“What?” you may ask. “What hasn’t been easy? What got you through?”

“The willingness to simply try.” I might say. Or I might not. Who knows?

This is my way of getting through life. As a mentor of mine recently told me: I march to a different drum. In the same conversation, multiple people agreed that I am a “force”.

Funny though. In some circles, that “force” of mine is scary. In others, it’s something to be admired. Who is right? I may never know. Does it really matter anyway? It’s just who I am. Take it or leave it.

Learning to be more ME has been a process. Why have I been silent for so long? Why do I hide? When I show up, people notice me. Do I not want to be noticed?

Back in college, I was singing along with the radio as I often did and a guy told me I had a nice voice. What? People can hear me? That moment caused me to stop singing in front of people. WHY? I really don’t know. I can only guess it was because I was so used to not being heard my whole life, I must not have realized people could hear me. Strange, I know.

Why wasn’t I heard? I don’t know that either. Perhaps my parents fighting drowned everything out around me. Perhaps growing up without other kids around and playing by myself in the dirt. I learned to get by, not being noticed.

These days, I don’t even notice myself being quiet. Writing has felt so forced to me for years and I couldn’t find my way out of that block. Now I am feeling more free. Free to be me and say what’s on my mind. Watch out world! This is MY space. No one can silence me here. I won’t allow that anymore.

Yes I’ve felt silenced quite often in my life by those around me. It can be as simple as me saying something, and being told I am wrong in my thinking. Why? It’s just an opinion. You can have yours and I can have mine and we can still get along just fine.

But alas… them “silencing me” was just me silencing me all along. Who knew? Not me.

Finding words again. It feels so freeing. It also feels a bit scary and strange if I’m being completely honest with myself. What’s in those words of mine? Even I am not yet sure. They are yearning to come out though. Have been for quite some time.

So here they are, coming out in their jumbled beauty. Writing for me and really no one else. That’s how it should be, how I’ve always approached it anyway. Read my words? Great. Don’t read them? That’s fine too.

It’s a bit surprising what’s starting to come out, but at the same time – a bit exciting too.